


Aromantic

by AllThoseOtherWorlds



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Barney, But he apologizes, Gen, So do the others, Ted is a bit of a douchbag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 09:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3352115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThoseOtherWorlds/pseuds/AllThoseOtherWorlds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tired of being teased, Barney comes out to the group as aromantic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aromantic

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own How I Met Your Mother.
> 
> Disclaimer the second: Yes, I know this show is very problematic. For the purposes of this fanfic, we're pretending the characters aren't transphobic, misogynistic, etcetera. Barney still has a ton of sex, but he's less skeevy about how he gets it (he does do his acts, but he comes clean before it gets too far) and so forth. Yes, I tend to pretend things aren't as problematic as they really are. It makes me happy. Ted is still a bit of a douchbag, because my headcanon is that the problematic things we see in the show are mostly a product of him being an unreliable narrator.
> 
> And I like to headcanon that Barney is actually more socially-aware than people think he is, but that he pretends not to be to match his persona.

            It comes out of a conversation like any other - they're discussing something ordinary, at any rate. A discussion of Ted's new girlfriend leads to an analysis of the group's dating habits, and the next thing he knows, people are talking about him.

            "Of course, Barney doesn't really _date_ _people_ ," says Ted. “You kind of need a heart to do that."

            "Yeah, he's more of a sex and suits robot, honestly," Marshal agrees. “Although that actually sounds sort of cool - being a robot.”

            They’re smiling as they say it, and he knows they’re joking, but it still stings.

            Usually, he would let it slide. Usually, he would smirk and say something lewd and let them move on, but not tonight.

            Tonight he's just finished a long and particularly grueling day at work, and he's tired and irritable and just doesn't have the patience to let it pass.

            So he speaks up.

            "It's not like that," he says, regretting the words nearly as soon as they leave his mouth. But he knows he can't go back because the words are out there and can’t be retrieved.

            They're all looking at him now, and although he usually craves attention to the point of unhealthiness, he suddenly wants to shrink from their view. He likes it when people notice him, but he hates it when they notice him when he's feeling vulnerable.

            And this definitely makes him feel vulnerable.

            "It's not like what?" Robin asks, breaking the awkward silence.

            "It's not a - a fault, or a flaw, or something unnatural," he says.

            "Yeah, yeah, we know," Ted replies sarcastically. "It's a product of your ability to pick up chicks and you'd be wasted by monogamy." He rolls his eyes.

            He doesn't fall for the bait. "No, Ted, it's an orientation called aromanticism and it has nothing to do with sex - which, thank you, I am _awesome_ at getting."

            Their stares are even more unnerving now, but he makes himself continue.

            "Look, I'm going to assume you guys have all experienced romantic attraction, right? You meet someone, and you get the feeling you'd like to be in a romantic relationship with them. There's a draw there, and maybe you say you're in love, and it's a definite feeling that you get. Am I right?"

            He sees them nod, confused but playing along.

            "Now, you guys probably feel this fairly frequently. You have a type, you know what that type is, and you know you'll feel this probably multiple times a year  - even if you don't act on it or they aren't _the one_."

            More nods.

            "I don't get that," he says. "I'm grey-romantic. I've felt like that about maybe two or three people in my _entire life_."

            "We know that," says Ted. "You're a bit of a sleaze-bag."

            He sighs dramatically and throw his hands up in a gesture intended to show them all how frustrating they're being. "Look, I know I have a lot of sex," he says, allowing himself to smirk this time. "But I get consent for it! They all want to have sex with me. It's not a crime! And-" he points a finger at them for emphasis, "-it has absolutely nothing to do with my romantic orientation."

            "Your what?" This time it's Lilly who asks.

            He can feel his patience running out. He's never done this - coming out - before, even though he's known this word since before he met Shannon. He knows how he comes off to people - even encourages it - but contrary to popular belief, he is educated on social issues. He's always careful to be a decent human being when the opportunity presents itself, and he comes clean about all of his plays before he sleeps with the women. He may consciously encourage people to see him as a scumbag, but he isn't actually a scumbag. He may have 'suited up' - and he regrets that absolutely not at all - but he didn't _completely_ compromise his moral values over Shannon.

            But, despite his efforts to be a good person (Efforts which he tries very hard to prevent people from discovering) his patience does have its limits.

            "Nope," he says. "I'm over it." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a notepad and pen - the one he usually reserves for getting women's names and numbers or for work-related notes - and writes several web addresses on it before handing it over to the others.

            "There," he says. "Read those and get back to me tomorrow. Lilly's the teacher, not me."

            He grins at them, mostly to reassure them that he isn't pissed off. "Have a good night, guys. I'm off to hit up that chick over in the corner with the hair down to her waist. See ya tomorrow."

            And he saunters off, leaving the others perhaps a bit shocked by his uncharacteristically serious attitude, but not really caring. They'd get over it.

            The girl buys his story as much as any of them do (which is enough to be interested but not enough to take it seriously), and laughs when he tells her (later, on the way back to her house) that it's a lie. The sex is great, and he absolutely does not wonder what the others think of him now that they know a little bit more of who he is.

            He's definitely not nervous about seeing them tomorrow. Nope.

            He's far too awesome for that.

\---

            They all read the pages. Ted knows this because when they all arrive at the bar that night (Barney's late) the events of the night before are all anyone wants to talk about.

            "Did you read the stuff?" Ted asks, shifting in his seat to look at the others.

            They all nod.

            "Yeah," Robin says. "Did you?"

            "Yeah."

            There's an awkward pause as they all try to figure out where to go from there.

            "It surprised me that he took everything so seriously," Marshal admits. "He's usually so ..."

            "Cavalier?" Lilly suggests. "He is, but I _can_ see why he was fed up with us."

            "I wouldn't have expected Barney to know so much about this kind of thing," Ted says. "He's never shown any interest in it."

            "I guess he's full of surprises," Robin says. "This is clearly important to him. And Lilly has a point - we didn't take it as well as we could have."

            "Yeah," Ted agrees.

            Marshal nods, and looks like he's about to open his mouth to agree when Barney arrives at the table.

            "Hey guys, what up?" he says, grinning. "That chick I picked up last night? Turns out she's a masseuse. _Very_ nice hands."

            They all groan, fulfilling their part in the traditional greeting, and after Barney's settled himself at the table with his drink they share a brief telepathic moment to figure out who should speak first.

            "Look, Barney," Robin says. "We're all sorry about last night. We should have handled it a bit better than we did."

            "Hey, it's fine," Barney says, shrugging like it was no big deal, but Ted thinks he looks a little surprised, and very much relieved.

            "We read the webpages you gave us," he says. "Very informative."

            "You did?" Barney asks. He clears his throat. "I mean, of course you did. I gave them to you."

            "And we just wanted to say thanks," Lilly adds, "for showing them to us."

            "And we'll stop giving you crap for your lack of dating," Marshal says.

            Barney blinks a little, hard. "Thanks," he says, all seriousness for a few unsettling moments. "Thanks. That means a lot to me."

            "Hey," Ted asks. "Where'd you learn all this stuff, anyway?"

            Barney shrugs, mask back in place. "When you're as great as I am, you just pick things up."

            They give look at him sceptically.

            "Okay, okay," he relents. "You do remember the part where I used to be a bit of a hippy?" he asks rhetorically. "Well, between that and James being gay, I picked up some stuff. Found some resources. 'Course, it was all pretty obscure back then. It's still pretty obscure, actually. I'm not surprised you guys haven't heard of it."

            "Careful," Ted warns him. "You're heading into hipster territory there, buddy."

            Barney rolls his eyes. "Are _you_ arguing with me, Mosby? _Really?_ "

            All things considered, Ted concedes the point.

            "So, hate to break up this conversation," Marshal says, "But has anyone noticed that guy over there dressed up as Obi-Wan?"

            Ted looks. "I don't think he's dressed up as Obi-Wan," he says. "There's no hood."

            Debate breaks out, and the night moves on.


End file.
